JOURNAL—————PROPERTY OF DR. ROBERTO MIRANDA
Before the incident:
- What are the odds I meet Gerardo Escobar on the day that news breaks of his leading the new commission and get the chance to butter him up. A better impression could not have been made.
- I ought to go back. Bring him his spare right now. If he’s on my side they’d never prosecute me. My helping him is an investment. The first impression sticks and I need him to see me not only favorably, but as a man who fights for democracy and healing. I need him to know a posteriori that I am a man of honor and integrity.
- If I show virtuous character, he won’t be inclined to prosecute me even if someone looks into the prison. They have no record of which doctors they brought in. I have an alibi. It’s been 15 years. It could have been anyone. The person could likely be dead. Right? I hope so.
During the incident:
- My plan to show this man the virtue of my character has backfired.
- She says I’m the one. The doctor who tormented her. Broke her. But her evidence is a voice. Vocal mannerisms. Schubert? She seems indomitable. All people worth their status like Schubert. That can’t be evidence. Her certainty seems unshakable. It’s trauma speaking. Gerardo is a man of reason. I need his reasoned doubt. I need her to wear herself out.
- Memory is a dangerous thing. Testimony is notoriously unreliable. If I confess I’m done. If I don’t confess I’m really done.
- I have to maintain her insanity. My coerced confession cannot constitute evidence in Gerardo’s head nor the courtrooms which he worships.
- The details Gerardo got from Paulina seemed by the minute. Many details I had long forgotten. Paulina’s experience trumps any deductive process I could convince Gerardo to follow.
After the incident:
- I walk, but I’m not free. I said what she wanted to hear. Sort of. Was it the Truth? How do I even know anymore? I guess I don’t. Will I find out? Did I tell her what would give her peace or give me peace? Maybe I gave her closure. Maybe I just lied. I saved myself—could she have been saved?
- Gerardo thinks he’s the symbol of democracy. Those wounds will never heal. That woman is fundamentally distraught—her very foundation is in pieces.
- Do I feel guilty? Sure. But that is nothing compared to the shame of criminality in front of the nation. Is it my fault that I was put in a position of power? No. Is it my fault I fulfilled the role in the ways I did? Maybe, but no one died. I made sure of it. I guess I didn’t have to enjoy it. But there was no one there to stop me. No one ever questioned me.
- What else could I have told Paulina and Gerardo—what were my options? I guess my extralegal interrogation was better than life in jail or death. I have my qualms about the option I chose, but I had such a shitty set of options.